I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
