The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
