I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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