Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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