I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
