wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life