every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.