I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!