the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i now understand why vodka
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.