I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
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So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
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If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Still dying that you shit outside
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize