Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have never encountered a chode in the wild