Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
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Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
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we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.