he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
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he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
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You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.