DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
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You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
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Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.