I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
