i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My bed smells like the plague
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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