I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
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He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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