I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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