I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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