Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She told me I should be a condom model.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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