Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
