I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
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I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder