if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
