the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
