I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just invented taco cereal.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
