who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green