Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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