I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
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I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
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My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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