just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
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He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
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Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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