dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
