how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
