I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Dating After Heartbreak
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life