arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
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Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
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After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.