She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
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If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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