My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
