Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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