I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
