you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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