Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
