I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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