Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Randomize
