Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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