??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
