do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize