But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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