We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
