She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
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I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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