I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm determined to sit on that face.