you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
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But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.