Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
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I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
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Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??