Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?