she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
