she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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