wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
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our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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