If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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