I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize