onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
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Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
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Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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