i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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