It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.