his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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